Beyond Duality: Meeting my Inner Patriarch
I want to share a piece of my story with you. I had vacillated whether or not to write this article as it brings my vulnerability to the surface. What has moved me to do it, is the notion that if one woman is touched by my story, it is worth the courage to be vulnerable. This happened twenty-five years ago and it is still very relevant today.
Karinna
In front of a group of 30 people, I am about to experience a Voice Dialogue session facilitated by Shakti Gawain. A tool for personal transformation, Voice Dialogue is a process of discovering the many ‘selves’ or ‘voices’ within - each one very real, autonomous and deserving of respect.
What will come out? I don’t know. I trust in the process. Shakti begins the conversation by asking me if there are any parts of myself I would like to work with today. I talk about my interest in exploring my Inner Patriarch - a powerful ‘self’ which tends to be hidden in most women. My heart is pounding and I focus on my breath. She asks me to move over to where my Inner Patriarch would like to be. This part of me takes over an asks for a chair (patriarchs would never sit on the floor). I am completely aware of what’s going on and my body becomes straight. I feel very different.
What comes out of my mouth is most astonishing - to me and to the group watching. “I don’t know why I’m here and I clearly don’t like these people looking at me as if I’m on display! I’m a private person.” My Inner Patriarch continues to talk with great assurance about how little power women have and how disgruntled he is about being in a woman’s body. He thinks a woman’s place is in the home, making good, healthy food for her family, raising her children and serving the needs of her husband. He goes on to say that he learned this from her father who always wanted to have a son but, to his great disappointment, ended up with four daughters. He also said that her mother believed that men were to be obeyed as they took care of women. He is irritated about the studying she has been doing with reference to all this women’s equality and this nonsense about a goddess culture that existed a few thousand years ago.
He thinks that she is gaining too much power, and that she won’t need men anymore in her life if she continues this way. This would destroy her marriage and she has a very good man who can take care of her . For her to think she can go back into the business world and be successful is a joke! She would fail and be highly embarrassed. He tells us that his job is to protect her from that. He goes on to say that, two years ago, she had decided to step away from the consulting firm that she and her husband had built so she could spend more time with their twelve year old daughter, get involved in the community and their daughter’s school and be there whenever she was needed at home. This made him very happy and now she wanted to go out into the business world again, destroying everything she’s gained over the past two years.
Shakti listens with empathy to this self and thanks him for speaking. She asks me to physically move back to the centre position, where I started. I’m shocked at what I just heard! I’m a 43 year old woman who is known within my family and circle of friends for being highly opposed to the patriarchal culture in which we live. I make no bones about how strong women are and that women need to fight back and prove that we are just as strong as any man - mentally, emotionally and financially. To hear that a part of me is even more harsh than some of what I see ‘out there’ is very illuminating.
Shakti asks to speak to another part of me that sees things differently. I agree and move to the opposite side of the centre position, feeling pulled to distance myself from the energy of the Inner Patriarch who just spoke.
Seated in the chair, my head in my hands, the part of me that carries my sadness and emotional pain is here in full bloom. She sobs and Shakti waits patiently until she’s able to speak. She seems young. Quietly, she says that the other part frightens her. It always puts her down. She never feels good enough. She feels helpless and desperate.
After a few minutes of simply ‘witnessing’ this self, Shakti brings me back to the centre position. I’m amazed at the polarities of these selves, yet grateful for the insight into what has been holding me back and the vague sadness that fades in and out of my life.
This happened in 1995. Since then, I have had numerous sessions with my Inner Patriarch, some were very deep and tough to experience. I have now come to see the positive aspects of this part of me. Had he stayed in the shadows of my psyche, I believe the distortion would have really taken me into a very, very dark place in my life. I truly appreciate the qualities that he carries for me and I can consciously access this energy when I think I need it. I’ve come to see that he is the one who can set boundaries and bring clarity and focus to an issue. The process of transformation has been remarkable.
Voice Dialogue is based on the premise that we identify with certain aspects of our personality (our Primary Selves) while other aspects of ourselves are either buried or ignored (Disowned Selves), as was my Inner Patriarch. When ‘selves/parts’ are disowned in this way for so long, they become distorted. As long as we remain unaware of these other parts, they create inner conflict for us. We find ourselves being attracted to the same annoying people; life brings us the same situations and we continue to blame what’s ‘out there’ for the difficulties we experience. It’s only when we’re able to separate from our Primary Selves and learn about their opposites (our Disowned Selves) that we can exercise real choice in our lives. We can begin to embrace both sides without being identified with either. This moves us beyond duality - the either/or way of thinking. We can begin to move through life with a ‘both/and’ attitude.
Some common Primary Selves are The Pusher, The Perfectionist, The Responsible Mother/Father and The Pleaser. Each self has its own energy - some are very quiet and peaceful while others can feel quite busy and chaotic. Appreciation and respect for all selves/energies are fundamental in order to move beyond duality, on a fascinating journey of diversity and depth.
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